This girl really needs to get some ZZZZZ's!

This is more of a journal-like entry you could say, but I need to vent!  I have not been able to sleep for almost two weeks now.  I fall asleep fine, then I am tossing and turning and waking up about every hour, I feel like I have a newborn!  A couple of nights, I wake up and then by 5am I find myself having a full on panic attack.  Nothing stressful is going on, my kids are great, hubby is good, no health problems, I should be fine.  Why is is so hard to just sleep?  I wake up thinking about the silliest things too.  Things like photography backdrops, photography lighting, scrapbooking, curtains, making pillows, redecorating, so dumb!

So last week, I was exhausted and I decided to go to the Dr.  First of all, let me explain my frustration with my Dr.  About a year ago, I decided to lose weight.  I had been reading a lot about that ever popular HCG diet.  Even a couple years before it took off, I was interested.  One of the things they reccommend is that you not be on any medications that you don't depend on to live.  Well I was on antidepressants, and had been for years.  Every time I would tell my Dr. that I felt like trying to wean off of them, he would just say that's not a good idea and would tell me that if I stopped taking them, and ever needed them again, they may not work well.  My thought, so what!  So I weaned myself.  Every visit with him since then has always gone back to that.  My sciatic nerve was killing me in October, he said it is stress and stress can rest in your nerves.  He is so convinced that I am a totally depressed person, and I am not.  I have struggled with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember, and for once in my life, I am not sad, I am not depressed.  Back to my dilemma, so last week I go into see him.  Three things to tell him, 1-funky dry spot on my elbow, 2-I get a little shaky during the day and feel like my blood sugar is off, and with  a family history of diabetes, and being a little border line myself, just want to double check, 3- oh yeah I can't sleep!  He gives me the cream for my elbow, skips over #2 and tells me, "If you want me to be your doctor then I want to be your doctor.  But if you don't follow my reccomendations then you aren't letting me do my job.  blah blah blah, then he says, this may be hard to hear, but I think you may be a little bi-polar.  blah blah blah this is how blah blah blah works in your brain....."  WTF (excuse my language), but are you kidding me?  He tells me it is mild, but I think it is there.  The tears are rolling because I have never wanted to scream the 'F' word so bad in all my life, and I didn't say a word.  He tells me I will give you Xanax or whatever drugs you want for the anxiety but take these antipsychotic drugs take them at night, come back in two weeks and we will get you started with an additional drug to take during the day.  I have never been so sad and upset.  I cried all day.  I am not depressed, I feel really good right now, but maybe that's how bipolar people are.  I took half of one of the pills and oh my!  I couldn't stop moving, I got up to see what time it was and the clock looked like it was melting down the wall, I was spinning!  No way in hell am I taking these medications.  I worked so hard to get where I am and no one has been hurt in the process! Needless to say, I went to work and looked up this medication and the PDR clearly says, do not take this medication if you are or have been diabetic, it also warns against prescribing to patients that have a family history of diabetes, as it can cause diabetes...oh yeah that was #2, we skipped over that at my visit. 

So now, I am in need of a new doctor and a good night's rest, but other than that, I am good.  I am grateful for a happy life, a wonderful family, I am employed, life is good....even if I am a little nuts!