Life really does go on!

I guess the world isn't going to stand still just for me. It's funny.  Usually people find inspiration in these brilliant quotes.  My new quote to live by, 'Today I am happier than a bird with a french fry!'  We make choices, and those choices determine if you are happy or sad.  Every day gets better and better.  I don't quite have total control over the anxiety thing, but I am working on it.  Last weekend I didn't comb my hair, I didn't shower, I didn't even get out of bed.  Not anymore.  I finally found a counselor that I like, I actually look forward to talking to him.  I have discovered the robbery was just the icing on the cake.  My 'emotional bucket' was full, the robbery just knocked it over.  I will NOT live in this state anymore.  I want to find joy in the simple things, like a french fry!

Three weeks later, here I am.  I do feel better.  I am taking all actions that my Dr. recommends (even though I don't totally agree but that's a whole story in itself), I am staying active and exercising again, I faithfully keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings (which I have never done) and I am trying harder to live in the present, just worrying about this day, this minute.  Photography is picking up and I am always so flattered at how many repeat clients I get as well as new ones.  I am actually grateful that I have been forced to be grateful for what I have and not waste any more time feeling sorry for what I don't. I know how quickly life flies by and with or without me, it's going!  I want the time that I spend with my kids to really matter to them.  I want to cherish what time I have left with them.  I have two really great kids and that is what keeps me going everyday! 

I don't know what God has intended for me in this life, but I'm listening, I am standing at attention and ready to make better choices for the rest of my life on earth.  I don't know where Marty and I will be next week let alone in ten years, I am just trying to be patient and see where life takes us.  I think with age and circumstances, I have learned that healing takes time, so I am just taking it slow.

I am so grateful for my family and all of my awesome friends.  I couldn't do it without each and every one of you.  I am in awe of how many special people are in my life.   I am climbing out of my dark hole, and I am doing it for me, and for Baylie and Cam.  Again, thanks for all the love and support, you will never know how much it has helped me.  I guess right now I should go shower and wash my nappy hair :)!!

Awesome Awesome give away!!

Check out this link for a pretty sweet give away!! http://tatertotsandjello.blogspot.com/2010/10/huge-giveaway.html

September 22, 2010

The morning of the 22nd was a typical morning.  Got kids ready and off to school.  It was a bit unusual they were getting along, my daughter hugged me (that doesn't happen a lot with a 14yr old).  I went for an 8 mile run.  While I was running I thought about how crazy life is and how fast it goes by.  I have been struggling with a little depression lately and just being a little sad, not about anything in particular and on my run I specifically remember telling myself, "girl you need to adjust your attitude.  Look at what great kids you have, you live in a beautiful area, you need to be more positive."  So I go home, ate two pieces of toast, straightened up my hair put on a dry tank top and grabbed a disc of pictures that I promised to deliver to a client that works at Beehive Credit Union.

I walked into the bank, where a few of my friends work.  Everyone was happy.  It seemed slow, there were only two customers, a couple working with one of the tellers and a man talking to the client I was delivering pictures to.  The girls that worked there said we have instructions that you have to wait and give him the disc because he wanted to see the pictures first.  To be honest, I wasn't in the mood to be there, I didn't feel like 'chit-chatting', but I stayed.  A split second later a man, young kid really, wearing a mask over his face rushed into the bank and changed every life in that bank forever.  He put the gun in the air, pulled back on the thing on the top (forgive me I know nothing about guns, have never even held one) and said " I want everone to get down.  I will kill every mother F*&%^#$ in here if you don't get down.  I turned away from him and layed down.  There was an older man next to me that wouldn't get down and the robber threatened him again.  I looked at the man, sobbing, and said "please get down."

He pointed the gun at the first teller and told her he wanted all her money.  He wanted 100's.  She gave him all she had and a couple of dye packs.  He moved to the next teller and said "No dye packs.  I will come back and kill everyone if I find a dye pack."  He continued yelling and swearing.  I don't know what he said because all I could do was pray.  He was straddling my body and spent 2 1/2 minutes right over my head.  He was wearing dark jeans and a pair of Jordans, that's all I know.  I prayed to the Lord and I thanked Him for blessing me with the most wonderful children in the world.   I was grateful for a nice morning.  Then I told Him, "Lord I am ok to come home to you today.  If my day is today then I am at peace, I am ready.  Lord, I don't know how it feels to get shot, but I pray that it is quick and that my family won't have to see me suffer.  Give them peace and please show them all the ways that I loved them so much."  Then I sobbed, out loud.  I was at peace.  Then Kristopher Johnson left the bank, and was arrested shortly after.

I know I should be happy to be alive, and I am.  I know I should have a whole new perspective on life, and I do.  I am also angry.  I cry a lot.  I want to be alone.  I am not afraid of the dark, I am fine to be home alone.  I am scared of 3:30pm everyday.  I don't know why, but that's when the panic attacks start.  I can't catch my breath and I don't sleep at night.  I'm not even mad at Kristopher, but I don't forgive him.  You hear stories about things that happen on the news, horrible things, it never seems real.  There really are evil people who would be willing to kill someone for any ammount of money.  They go to schools and shoot to kill everyone in sight.  I am pissed that he probably hasn't thought twice about the horror in everyone's eyes that he caused.  I want to visit him, and give him all the money I have and tell him all he had to do was ask, I would have given it to him.  I went to one session of counseling, there was not a connection with her, I won't go back.  I am numb and my stomach hurts all of the time, I feel like the life has been sucked out of me.  I pray a lot.  I just want the anxiety to go away, but I don't want to forget.  

At first I talked about it a lot.  Now I just don't want to talk, I want to hide in my closet forever.  I guess in some way I was looking forward to meeting my Heavenly Father in person and it didn't happen.  Now I have to figure out how to survive.  I know time heals, and I hope it works fast.  Four minutes of trauma has created a week of emotional hell for me, it shouldn't take so long to work through.  I feel ashamed.  Nine eleven is tramatic, people who have lost their children is traumatic, and I can't get through 4 lousy minutes of my life.

For Kristopher Johnson and his friend, I hope you get punished.  I hope you feel bad for the lives you have changed.  I hope the fear you created haunts you everyday.  I hope you have a hard time sleeping and eating.  But someday, not today, I hope to see you face to face, no masks, and I hope I can tell you I forgive you.  I am not looking for sympathy of any sort, I just want peace.  I want to feel happy and I don't want to be afraid.

Our Trip to Michigan

We took a trip this summer to Port Austin, Michigan and stayed with Marty's family at their beach house.  I had some hesitation going because it is humid there and I couldn't believe that it would be such a beautiful place.  It was really important to Marty to go there and show the kids where he grew up and to stay at this place he loved as a little boy.  I have a million pictures but here are just a few of my favorites.

I absolutely loved watching the sunset every single night!

you can't go to a beach without making a sand castle right?

Everywhere there are little tiny towns with amazing buildings I could have spent days looking at all of them

Me and Deanna (Marty's cousin Brett's wife)

The magnificent, amazing and beautiful Aunt Bonnie

My smokin hot husband with a crazy tan!

Cousin Brett!

Baylie and Natalie

The crew and their stinky cat fish

Right before we left I came down with a stupid UTI.  I faithfully took the antibiotics but didn't even read the label warning against being in the sun...oops!

Marty and little Barry fishing.

Baylie and Natalie

Cam

The cute little beach house

Smokin hottness again!

smokin hottness jr.

We definitely want to try and do this every year.  We just loved it and had so much fun.  It was in the middle of nowhere really, and all you do is sit around and swim, play, eat and relax! My kind of vacation!

For Grandma Lois!

Anyone who knows me, I mean REALLY knows me, knows that I am terrible at two things...keeping in touch and sending out updated pictures.  If you don't call me, we probably don't talk all that often.  I have the best intentions, and I think about you, I am just not good at keeping in touch.  Pictures...yeah I take a million, when you come to visit I will show you!  Anyway, this post is for my Grandma Lois.  I haven't seen her in years and I wanted to put some pictures of my family and my sister's families for her to catch up on.  Love you Grandma, hope you like them!

Jaime & Marty

Jaime & Cameron

Baylie- Jaime's daughter

Baylie again

Cameron- Jaime's son

Baylie and Cameron

Rikki- Mandi's daughter

Parker- Brooke's son

Karlin & Parker- Brooke's boys

Brogen-Brooke's youngest son

Boston-Mandi's youngest son

Brogen again

Cooper- Mandi's middle son

Mandi's Family

Rikki- Mandi's oldest

Mandi's family again

Jaime, Baylie and Cameron

Baylie and Whitney

Mandi's two boys, Cooper and Boston

Kaden, Parker, and Karlin- Brooke's three boys

Kaden-this picture is from last year, he was being a typical boy this year and wasn't up for any photo taking

Baylie's New Room

Baylie has been wanting to redecorate her new room for awhile.  I talked my friend Tiff into taking on this frugal little project with me.  I made a couple trips to DI, bought some cans of spray paint, some fabric and other odds and ends and for less than $100 a happy daughter, and I was pretty pleased with the results myself!

The plates here are from Tai Pan with a candle holder in between to hold some of her jewelry.

All the frames were from DI and painted grey, black and a light pink

The best part of this project is the story behind this silly chair.  It looked like someone peed on it and possibly spilled their drinks a few hundred times.  Nothing a little paint and new fabric can't cure! The pillow came with her bedding and while we were cleaning we found a jewelry box with my Great Grandmother's costume jewelry in it so we fastened some of the blingy broaches to the pillows and hung some of the vintage necklaces from the window treatment.

The suitcase is also a funny tale.  We can't get it open, better that way is what I say!  I don't need to know what might be in there.  I was originally brown but we spray painted it pink and Tiff added the tags that Bay had saved from jeans and what not to the handle.  The chandelier was from Tai Pan.

Seriously this picture doesn't do the chair justice of the before, it was filthy!

This girl really needs to get some ZZZZZ's!

This is more of a journal-like entry you could say, but I need to vent!  I have not been able to sleep for almost two weeks now.  I fall asleep fine, then I am tossing and turning and waking up about every hour, I feel like I have a newborn!  A couple of nights, I wake up and then by 5am I find myself having a full on panic attack.  Nothing stressful is going on, my kids are great, hubby is good, no health problems, I should be fine.  Why is is so hard to just sleep?  I wake up thinking about the silliest things too.  Things like photography backdrops, photography lighting, scrapbooking, curtains, making pillows, redecorating, so dumb!

So last week, I was exhausted and I decided to go to the Dr.  First of all, let me explain my frustration with my Dr.  About a year ago, I decided to lose weight.  I had been reading a lot about that ever popular HCG diet.  Even a couple years before it took off, I was interested.  One of the things they reccommend is that you not be on any medications that you don't depend on to live.  Well I was on antidepressants, and had been for years.  Every time I would tell my Dr. that I felt like trying to wean off of them, he would just say that's not a good idea and would tell me that if I stopped taking them, and ever needed them again, they may not work well.  My thought, so what!  So I weaned myself.  Every visit with him since then has always gone back to that.  My sciatic nerve was killing me in October, he said it is stress and stress can rest in your nerves.  He is so convinced that I am a totally depressed person, and I am not.  I have struggled with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember, and for once in my life, I am not sad, I am not depressed.  Back to my dilemma, so last week I go into see him.  Three things to tell him, 1-funky dry spot on my elbow, 2-I get a little shaky during the day and feel like my blood sugar is off, and with  a family history of diabetes, and being a little border line myself, just want to double check, 3- oh yeah I can't sleep!  He gives me the cream for my elbow, skips over #2 and tells me, "If you want me to be your doctor then I want to be your doctor.  But if you don't follow my reccomendations then you aren't letting me do my job.  blah blah blah, then he says, this may be hard to hear, but I think you may be a little bi-polar.  blah blah blah this is how blah blah blah works in your brain....."  WTF (excuse my language), but are you kidding me?  He tells me it is mild, but I think it is there.  The tears are rolling because I have never wanted to scream the 'F' word so bad in all my life, and I didn't say a word.  He tells me I will give you Xanax or whatever drugs you want for the anxiety but take these antipsychotic drugs take them at night, come back in two weeks and we will get you started with an additional drug to take during the day.  I have never been so sad and upset.  I cried all day.  I am not depressed, I feel really good right now, but maybe that's how bipolar people are.  I took half of one of the pills and oh my!  I couldn't stop moving, I got up to see what time it was and the clock looked like it was melting down the wall, I was spinning!  No way in hell am I taking these medications.  I worked so hard to get where I am and no one has been hurt in the process! Needless to say, I went to work and looked up this medication and the PDR clearly says, do not take this medication if you are or have been diabetic, it also warns against prescribing to patients that have a family history of diabetes, as it can cause diabetes...oh yeah that was #2, we skipped over that at my visit. 

So now, I am in need of a new doctor and a good night's rest, but other than that, I am good.  I am grateful for a happy life, a wonderful family, I am employed, life is good....even if I am a little nuts!